and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
