i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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