I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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