Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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