i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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