I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
The Olympian is in my bed
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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