im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
the condom got lost in my hair
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
pray to the hookup gods
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
