I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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