Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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