my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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