My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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