I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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