exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
