Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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