not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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