you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
