I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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