I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
they're like a gay fantastic four
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
