sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He has the fingertips of a God
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