Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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