remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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