we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
