I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
