I think I died a long time ago.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
