shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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