I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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