I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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