What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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