Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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