I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Hello my rib-scented angel!
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize