i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
