pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
