sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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