3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
