I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
