I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
