There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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