3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
whose parrot is this?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
