Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
