I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
