when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
