She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize