Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
