Me too!
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
