I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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