My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Slut skills are useful in every country.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
