I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
