thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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