there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
