you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
