dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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