I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
