I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
